New assessment district to target the Santa Ana Artists Village

The stars aligned for OC Young Democrat Phil “Count Chocula” Bacerra last night as the Santa Ana City Council unanimously passed his “Phil Bacerra Bike Rack Act,” which will force most new Santa Ana businesses to buy and install bicycle racks so that Phil can tie up his bike.  Amazingly, the entire Artists Village was exempted.

However, our city hall pajaritos are reporting that a new municipal assessment is being considered that will expressly target the bars and restaurants in the Artists Village.

The idea came from Santa Ana Mayor Miguel Pulido, who explained it this way in an interview with a local newspaper:

“I have several followers, such as Alex “Swap Meet” Vega and Phil Bacerra, who cannot afford to buy their own drinks, for whatever reason.  So I thought, why not charge a fifty cent assessment on every drink sold in the Artists Village, and put that money in a special MAD account.”

When asked what MAD stood for Pulido quietly lisped “Moocher Assessment District.”

As one might imagine, Bacerra is very excited about this.  He was overhead gloating after yesterday’s Council meeting:

“This is why I helped Pulido to defeat Michele Martinez in last year’s mayoral election.  Now I can safely tie up my bike anywhere in town – and when I walk to the Artists Village I can get blitzed using other people’s money!  Talk about a great return on my investment!

We spoke to several of the notorious “Usual Suspects” who showed up at last night’s Santa Ana City Council meeting, partially to cheer on the Bacerra Bike Rack Act but also to introduce the “Tom Gordon Anti-Graffitti Ordinance.”  None of them would go on record, but the anonymous verdict was a thumbs up for the “Moocher Assessment District.”

One short-haired blond lady, who sported a severe lemon-sucking grimace, said that “I support the MAD fee because right now we are all spending a fortune buying drinks for our pal Bacerra.  That is just not sustainable, especially since we had to take a collection up this week to buy a suit for Tom Gordon, so he could appear here tonight in something other than shorts and a t-shirt.”

Another blond lady, who was short, squat and smelled like she had been riding horses all day, said “this is a great idea.  I just wish they would also consider buying up any properties in French Park that currently rent to Mexicans, so we can move them out.  We could call it a “Mexican Removal Assessment!”

That last comment drew cheers from the rest of the Usual Suspects.

But will the voters support the MAD fee?  We called Pulido’s consultant, Dennis De Snoo, and asked him how he planned to sell this to the voters.  Here is his response:

“Well, I think that is obvious.  We need to give them the impression that if we don’t vote for this it will mean that all the local parks will be shut down and we will have to fire our police and fire men and women.  That should do the trick!”

We asked local attorney Al Amezcua if this idea would fly with Latino voters.  His response was quite candid:

“Pulido is an expert at lying to his own people.  He will find a way to lie this time too.  Maybe he can tell them that if they vote for the MAD, then Obama will give us another amnesty for undocumented immigrants!”

Finally, we asked O.C. Supervisor Janet Nguyen if this idea would fly with local Vietnamese voters – and how she would sell them on the MAD fee.  Here is her answer:

“The solution is obvious.  We need to deliver potted flowers to all the Vietnamese voters, with a note saying that Supervisor Janet Nguyen wants them to vote for the MAD proposal and that State Senator Lou Correa hates them and wants to eat their children.”

Nguyen then whispered to me, “You know I really want to see this go through.  Bacerra was the first “Jannie” in the local Democratic Party.  It is high time to get him some free drinks!”

No doubt, a city that keeps electing people like Pulido is bound to vote for the “Moocher Assessment District” too.  But will local residents avoid this fee by not buying drinks in the Artists Village?  That could be the ultimate outcome of this insane business-killing proposal!