Lucas: The truth is out there

Okay, enough already, I hear you! For weeks it’s been, “Vern, will you shut up about the war in Iraq, about the damage the Bush administration has done to the Constitution, about immigration and healthcare reform? Will you, just for a moment, stop flacking for unimportant candidates like Debbie Cook and Barack Obama, and write about something urgent that Real People care deeply about in this County? When will you finally weigh in on the PAUL LUCAS QUESTION!?!?!?”

Well, it’s not that I don’t care about what Paul is up to in Garden Grove or that I get a headache trying to grok the ins and outs of Vietnamese-American power politics in that area, and it’s not that Paul is a friend of mine, it’s just a question of whether or not all of you are ready for the truth! Know, my brethren, that the truth will set you free, but you first must leave father and mother and all that you once thought you knew and gave you comfort. For Paul cometh to bring a sword, to set “brother against brother and friend against friend.”

First off, it will no longer do to use Star Wars and the Matrix trilogy to try to make sense of the Paul Lucas Conundrum. You must delve much deeper, into Gravity’s Rainbow, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, and Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica, inter al. And if indeed you must pursue the Lucas/Skywalker parallels (which in fact do still hold much fertile ground to till) you must abandon the accepted George Lucas Hollywood canon, and take up the apocryphal and Gnostic Star Wars books which look into Luke Skywalker’s “missing years” in Egypt, South America, and the planet Algernon. And once you have done that, and have come back like the Prodigal, you may understand at least part of what Paul Lucas has been up to on the “dark side,” and you will be wiser but I cannot say whether or not you will be happier.

In the local blogs lately we have heard the following postulates, one or more of which are deeply believed by devout Orange County Democrats. I aim to show that they are ALL TRUE, and all inextricable elements of the Full Truth, like the Thousand Wings of Shiva, or the Six Hundred Flowers in Chairman Mao’s Garden, or something:

• Paul is a secret Trannie, who aimed to help Van Tran and his minion Dina by providing the OCGOP a letter incriminating Janet.
• And yet, Paul is a secret Jannie, who received secret embarrassing information about Tran from her during his run against him.
• and yet, Paul has a secret relationship with Janet’s opponent Dina, as well as a public one working on a skate park for Garden Grove kids.
• And yet, Paul boasts of paving the way to Janet’s ascendance to supervisor with his crucial work leading to Correa’s victory.
• Yet he is a proud and active Democrat who supports Hoa through all this.
• He is currently unemployed, or working at low-paying job to help disabled people find work.
• Yet he had the wherewithal to quickly buy the dinaforsuppervisor site and link it to gay Asian porn to embarrass his secret lover Dina for embarrassing him.
• And he is digging some kind of “hole” that threatens to engulf us all.

And all of this has been foretold (or at least suspected) since Paul first emerged from the water beneath the Huntington Beach Pier, in the “Miracle of the Suit” captured here for all mankind by his own Magdalene (or Veronica of the Veil?) Rebecca “Commie Girl” Schoenkopf – a sign that only made sense to us chosen ones a month or so later in 2006, when Paul asked us to attend a pancake breakfast for Van Tran in order to heckle the Philistine. And as we sat there, Commie Girl, myself, anti-war activist Desiree Funsch and teachers’ union activist / Green Party member Kimberly Claytor, and beheld the Herod-like douchebag Tran hold up a new law protecting the endangered sea otter as a good example of pointless California laws “because how many sea otters are there anyway? Hardly any!” it all fell into place for us – the otters, Paul’s unexplained emergence from the sea – Lucas is, among countless other attributes and identities, an Emissary of the Otters, sent by them as a Relentless Nemesis to the Oil Spill known as Van Tran.

But I digress and am perhaps shedding more heat than light, more trees than forest. If I could only make you see the dazzling wisdom of The Lucas’ actions over the past years… but “a prophet is never understood in his home town.” O ye of little faith! Has it not occurred to you that The Lucas has named himself “Paul” – NOT Saul the persecuting zealot, but Paul the crusading evangelist, whose Road to Damascus took him from Costa Mesa to Garden Grove, whose blinding flash of light was the county’s financial meltdown, whose trinity of high priestesses Becca, Dina, and Janet guide him through the Valley of the Shadow of Death that is OC politics? With his gay-Asian-porn-link jujitsu he sends his foes running with scissors to each others’ aid, and quietly laughs “Hoa, Hoa, Hoa!” while a mile offshore his otter comrades chortle and cavort. Trannie, Jannie, savior of the Democrats, Paul Lucas is all of this. Or, as Evey Hammond rhapsodized at the end of “V For Vendetta,” he is “my mother, my father. He is my lover, my friend. He is you. He is me. He is all of us.”