WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE ORANGE JUICE SATIRE ZONE…
What if John Lewis actually got his way and he managed to get Chris Norby elected to the office of O.C. Clerk-Recorder? What sort of hijinks would ensue?
In this post we imagine together just what might happen on Norby’s first day in his new office. Enjoy!
Scene: Orange County Clerk-Recorder’s office
Chris Norby (Speaking to the young man who lets him into his new office): Well hello there young man – say hello to your new boss!
Assistant: Um, hello?
Norby: Listen son, you really need to get a flag pin for your lapel. Here (Norby reaches into his pocket) take this one – I always carry a few with me!
Assistant (Turns the flag pin over): Lookie there, made in China. What a surprise.
Norby: OK – why don’t you take me around to meet everyone. But first, do you know who all those fellows are who are waiting outside in my lobby?
Assistant: John Lewis sent them over. He said you are supposed to hire them after you fire all of us.
Norby: Oh, right. Boy he moves fast!
Assistant: OK, well, let’s go meet all the short-timers.
Norby: Very good. But tell me. What is that machine over there that keeps spitting out paper?
Assistant: That’s a photocopier sir.
Norby: Right. I knew that! OK then let’s tour my offices.
Assistant: Well, I have everyone waiting for you in our conference room.
Norby (As he opens the door to his conference room): Greetings – I am your new boss! You could say I am the new Sheriff in town!
Everyone: Groan…
Norby: OK. We will get together like this every day and start the day by singing “God Bless America.” Let’s do that now!
Female Assistant: What if we don’t believe in God?
Norby: Not to worry! You’re fired.
Female Assistant: Damn!
Norby (turns to his lead assistant): Call security and get this Godless atheist out of my office, pronto!
Assistant: Are we still going to sing?
Norby: No. You’re all fired!
Norby then walks back to the lobby to let his new employees in.
Norby (Approaches the tallest of the young men in the lobby): OK, you’re a tall fellow so you will be my senior assistant. What is your name?
Assistant: Jordan Brandman. I came by to say hi actually. I already have a job.
Norby: Well, thanks. Too bad. I have no idea what the Hell we do here.
Brandman: No problem. Let’s just call Tom Daly. He will give us an idea.
Norby: No can do. He is on vacation already. He is celebrating his victory over Shawn Nelson.
Brandman: Well, we could call Hugh Nguyen. He seems to know what to do here.
Norby: The Hell with that! We’ll just have to play cards until Daly gets back! Or we can play my new Trivial Pursuit Ben Franklin edition game! You want to join us?
Brandman: Um, no. I have to go meet with Supervisor Janet Nguyen.
Norby: Oh great, tell her I said hi then.
Brandman: OK.
John Lewis (enters from the elevator): Hey boys, is that victory that I am smelling?
Norby: No John, I’ve been a bit gassy this morning.
Brandman (makes a face): OK then, that’s my cue. Sayonara guys!
Lewis: Well Norby, we pulled it off!
Norby: Say John, do you know what the Hell we are supposed to be doing here?
Lewis: Not a clue amigo, but let’s be sure to hire all my pals. I hear some of them are damn good at poker!
Norby: Well now that sounds like a plan!
Miguel Pulido (walks out of the elevator): Top of the morning my friends! So glad you won Chris! Now when do you suppose you will be able to transfer a few million out of your budget to fix my streets?
Norby: We can do that! Let me call my pal Chriss Street and ask him how to do illegal stuff with my budget!
John Williams, the OC Public Adminisrator, walks in: Not to worry Chris! When it comes to wasting public money I can show you all the tricks!
Norby: I feel so loved!
Pulido: Say John, be sure to tell me how to do that too.
Williams: Christ Miguel, you’ve been ripping off your people for twenty years! What the heck could I teach you? You’re the master!
Pulido: Yes! That is why Obama should appoint me Ambassador to Mexico!
Lewis: I can work on that for you MIguel. Just say the word!
Pulido: First we have to figure out how to pay the back taxes on my muffler shop!
Lewis: Not a problem! We have Michele Steel on our side. She is on the Board of Equalization. I can have her shred your file.
Pulido: I love you man!
Norby: Let’s all sing Kumbaya!
Dick Ackerman exits the elevator: Hello you bastards!
Pulido: Aye Dios! He has a gun! Aye mama what will we do! (Pulido proceeds to wet himself)
Lewis: You SOB! How dare you come in here with a gun Dick?
Ackerman: You first cabron! (Ackerman opens fire on Lewis)
Norby: Oh man, I’m using Pulido as a human shield! (He proceeds to do so)
Ackerman: That won’t work guay! Pulido is a shrimp! (Ackerman opens fire on Norby and Pulido – it is not a pretty sight)
Williams (as he hides under a desk): You won’t get away with this Dick!
Ackerman: I haven’t forgotten about you John! Eat hot lead! (Ackerman blows away Williams)
Ackerman then walks over to the office and lays waste to all of Lewis’ friends. He then picks up a phone and calls 911: Hello, police?
911 Dispatcher: Yes. What is your emergency?
Ackerman: Hello, this is former State Senator Dick Ackerman. Some crazy guy just shot up Norby’s office over here in Santa Ana. He is the new Orange County Clerk-Recorder. I tried to stop him, but he shot me in the arm and then took off.
911 Dispatcher: We have had some calls about gunfire. Hang tight. The police are on the way. We are sending a dozen Deputy Sheriffs.
Ackerman: Great – thanks. I will try to stop my bleeding.
911 Dispatcher: Did you see the shooter?
Ackerman: Well, he was a short Mexican teenager. He was bald and wearing a white t-shirt.
911 Dispatcher: You’re in Santa Ana? You just described half the population!
Ackerman: Yes, I know. (He grins and hangs up the phone. Then he shoots his left upper arm. He then sits down and stuffs his tie in his wound. He then spits on Norby’s corpse).
Ackerman: I always get my man Norby. (He then picks up his phone and calls Hugh Nguyen): Hello Hugh? This is Ackerman. Listen, Norby is dead so it looks like you will be the new Clerk-Recorder. Congratulations son!
Nguyen: Oh my God! How awful! Thanks for letting me know.
Ackerman: No problem. Listen, the shooter got away. Stay indoors until this blows over.
Nugyen: OK!
Mike Schroeder enters the lobby: Hello Dick, I felt a disturbance in the force a few moments ago…
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There you go folks! Karma has a way of working things out in the end…
That’s great Art, fits him to a “T”
OC Gator,
Thanks! LOL. The only thing I forgot to include was Norby taking a nap…