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Every day we engage others in a chance to inform and influence the viewpoints of those around us, and in turn those around us impact our own viewpoints, or at least that is supposed to be how it works, when we keep both minds and hearts open to what is new and sometimes beyond our comfort zone. Occasionally that rare person comes along who not only changes our viewpoints, they change our character. We say that we are better people for having known them, and sadly we often say it at their funerals after we have lost the opportunity to say it to them face to face.
This week I lost such a character-defining person to cancer. My heart is broken in so many pieces I am not sure how it will ever be whole again. Out of respect for her family, who has not yet made a public announcement of her passing, we will leave her name off the internet for now. But I want to discuss, as our Weekend Open Thread, those qualities that make some rare people so special that we cannot imagine who we would be without their presence in our lives. Perhaps a teacher, a neighbor, a relative or religious leader took the time to see something in you that others had missed, and in doing so they opened a whole other world for you. I want to talk about, and celebrate, those people who hold up a mirror and demand we LOOK and see the smart, unique, one-of-a-kind person created in the image of God peering back at us, and for some it means a smile returning from that mirror’s image for the first time in a lifetime.
E. was not present at my Christening, but she was for all purposes my God-mother. No matter what I was facing she pointed me to God, as the first, last, and final answer to everything. Her counsel was never about the warm-fuzzy of “trusting” God in an abstract concept, but the verb version of stepping out in faith and LIVING fully and completely in trust.
The scene when Indiana Jones steps off the ledge onto the rock bridge hidden by an optical illusion often comes to mind; except E. would not have thrown the sand out over the edge to define the boundaries of the bridge. Oh, and she would have been wise-cracking all the way across, too. In fact, humor was her way of connecting with the world. What good was being alive if you couldn’t laugh at how utterly ridiculous it all was? She admitted to being kicked out of Hebrew School shortly before taking her Bat Mitzvah for cutting up in class. But returning at the age of 27 as a B’nai Mitzvah it had more meaning for her as an adult wholly committed to her faith than the opportunity for gifts as a teen expected to follow through with this ritual service.
E: “So have you told God you are mad at him?”
“No, of course not. “
E: Leaning forward conspiratorially and whispering, “What do you think He’s gonna do when he finds out?”
When other wives would have joined the “bitch-fest” complaining of their own husbands as I griped of my less-than-perfect early marriage years, E—pointed me to a mirror, encouraging me to get my eyes off my man and his unwillingness to meet my needs/whining immature demands and instead work on being the wife he needed and deserved. In the process, as I looked for ways to recognize and thank even the smallest of gestures from him, I woke up one morning to find my man had become the guy I had wanted in the early years. It’s funny how things work that way, much like our parents get so much smarter between the time we leave home and have our own kids.
E. was my Yoda and my Obi-Wan.
“Bubbie, what’s happenin’? Talk to me…”
Having been through the nightmare of watching her own husband spiral into the abyss of pugilist’s dementia shortly after their marriage, E. found her mate possessing the mental capacity of a 6-year-old and the body strength, muscle memory, and training of a fully formed adult male who could completely kick your ass, thanks to decades of work as a pro fighter. Somehow she cared for him, alone, while completing yet more degrees. When his body finally gave up she spent her widowhood helping others deal with caregiver burnout and educating people on the daily struggles of dementia, among other topics.
As a professor at Biola, a Rabbi/Synagogue President for a Messianic Congregation, a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker at retreats for faith-based groups, E—‘s time was much in demand and her wisdom was shared far and wide. That means an entire generation of OC and LA residents walk around today with a Jewish Jiminy Cricket on our shoulders, asking, “You know that’s fakakta, right?”
For better or worse, the world is changing. Plenty of naysayers are convinced we are headed to Hell in a handbasket (a charge I dismiss, because I have seen my backside and it is NOT fitting into a hand basket. Try Again.) In addition to the obstacles of wicker-based transportation to the underworld, I believe the world is being changed by those, like my friend, who possess the ability to score invitations into our lives and our hearts and minds and implement the transformative power of changing our character. And the beauty of people like E—is that they are incapable of keeping that transformative power to themselves. They MUST share it, they can’t NOT share it, the ability to “stifle” is not written in their DNA. And as the new year of 2017 begins, it is up to those of us who have had our lives and our character altered by these game-changers to thank and encourage them, and then repeat their lessons until they are multiplied. We must clone these people and their ability to wisely and profoundly point us to the Higher Power of our own cultural leanings, as diverse as that gets here in OC. We must celebrate them for the change they are leading in this world.
I am fortunate to have had some warning that cancer was becoming the one and only fight my beautiful friend ever lost in her lifetime. And I had the privilege of sharing with her what she had meant to me, and in turn how her friendship had altered my own family. I got to tell her that had she not taken the time to give a damn and adopt me into her family, I would not be;
A) Alive
B) Married
Or
C) Happy about being married, or any combo of the above.
Literally, everything I love best about being me has its roots in something E. did or said or poked, prodded or just plain nagged me into.
Without her unconditional “mother-love” as a solid foundation to stand on, I would never have had the courage to stretch for things just out of reach, and with her encouragement and help in drafting a game plan I even grew wings a time or two. It’s an ongoing process, the wings keep folding back into themselves when they don’t get used for fear of heights. It was E. who talked me out of law school, knowing it would crush my soul to be surrounded by a profession rooted not in what was right and just but in what one can get away with. It was E. who talked me into something so crazy I still cannot believe I am going through with it. But I am, and it may lead to leaving OC to do it, but I am committed. It was E. who prompted me to carefully consider my next steps in a career change, because I would be trading the remainder of my days on this earth for it. So at least part of the new endeavor will wear her name, and absolutely ALL of it will wear the mantle of her presence. To new beginnings.
To those of us walking around with E. in our heads, no explanation is needed. For those who missed the honor of sharing her years on this earth, no explanation is adequate. But I also know that as unique as she was, there are a lot of others out there serving the same capacity for our readers. And I want to make today’s “Weekend Open Thread” all about them.
Share a story of how someone changed your life. Someone saw a talent or skill in you that even you didn’t know you had. Someone believed in you when you didn’t believe in yourself. Someone loaned you their last $1,000 so you could start a business, or convinced you to take the job overseas that led to meeting your spouse and turning your world upside down.
Today is about starting 2017 on a positive note, recognizing those people who make this life worth living, and perhaps paying it back or paying it forward by using that connection in our own way to change the world and make it worthy of their presence. Tell us about that person. Then sit down and write THEM a letter telling them how you appreciate what they did, and describing how your life is better for their part in it. If you have lost touch we now have this amazing thing called the internet that makes it easy to find them, you can likely access it on your phone (that device is good for more than kitten videos and picking fights with strangers) and if, like my friend, they are no longer here to prod you into being the better person only they (and our dogs) seem to see us to be, identify something you know they would love to see you doing, and DO IT. Feed the poor, go back to school, start that non-profit, become a foster parent, go sky-diving or skinny dipping, set aside whatever obstacles are in your way and go after whatever they saw in you that you have let sit in a drawer while being an adult took over your Inbox.
This is your weekend open thread. And as the fine purveyors of information running this blog like to say, discuss this, or any other topic you choose, within the bounds of decorum.
*Touching ….very touching Cynthia. Mark Petracca many years ago told us something when we were running for City Council. “You have to have a plucky personality and be very brave!” Those words have stuck with us throughout the years. Your sweet and touching piece about “E” shares that philosophy and certainly reflects on your relationship with the great respect and honor that it deserves. You can say that you have been blessed by those many years of “mentorship” from “E”. “E” had and still has the undeniable character that is worthy of remembering.
In our lives we too have been privileged to know and honor some wonderful and great people that we will never forget. The first loss we can remember was a high school chum who went out drinking on a Saturday night and never came home. His sense of humor and honesty were without question and set our personal bar higher because of it……along with the cautionary tale. The next loss was during the Vietnam war and several personal friends and pals that never came home. In our later years we were blessed to meet and make friends with some incredible people who have by whatever means has gone on to the next best place. Each of them has touched us, changed us and made us who we are – through their lives, their personalities and their examples.
As we begin this great journey of 2017, your reflective recollections of your dear friend show the greatest humanity of all – the ability to share, grow and love our fellow man.
The agenda for the upcoming Anaheim Council meeting (Tuesday) looks like it’ll be a lot shorter than the last one, and dominated mostly by re-appointments or new appointments to all the “regional boards and commissions,” most notably the OC Water District.
But I noticed a couple of items in Closed Session, having to do with the City Attorney:
3. PUBLIC EMPLOYEE APPOINTMENT
(Section 54957(b)(1) of the California Government Code)
Position: City Attorney
4. CONFERENCE WITH LABOR NEGOTIATORS
(Subdivision (a) of Section 54957.6 of the California Government Code)
Agency Designated Representative: Jason Motsick
Position: City Attorney
Is that just standard? Is it about the outgoing dude? Does it mean he’s complaining with labor negotiators? Or could it mean they’re already looking at a new candidate?
It could mean that they have an interim candidate in mind who, unlike Kristin Pelletier, actually wants to take on the responsibility for a while. I can imagine their agreeing that she has “suffered enough.”
Sorry for your loss, CW.
Well, this is what I originally intended to post for WOT.
More yet to blame on “those Russians” ?
Because I was so taken up for the past few days with work and “that bug that’s going around,” and so happy at not having to do the WOT this week, I had not gotten around to reading this until now. What a wonderful tribute, lyrical (as is traditional among my people) in a minor key. How blessed you and your “godmother” have been with one another.
Great new vice chairs coming out of tonight’s DPOC meeting from what I hear:
Jeff Le T. in the north; Diana Lee Carey in the west; and Farrah in the south!
Fran Sdao is the new chairwoman, I don’t know much about her but we were allies when I got involved in the sane-people takeover of the Capistrano School District in 2010.
Yeah, it was a pretty good night. See my story.
Jackie and Neruda, two movies by a Chilean director are being shown in Irvine, at Edwards Westpark 8. Jackie is shown in other theaters. Both movies are kind of biopic, but with an artsy angle. Critics are highly rating them. Review from Rotten Tomatoes:
Critics Consensus: Inventive, intelligent, and beautifully filmed, Neruda transcends the traditional biopic structure to look at the meaning beyond the details of its subject’s life.
Critics Consensus: Jackie offers an alluring peek into a beloved American public figure’s private world — and an enthralling starring performance from Natalie Portman in the bargain.
Back from Anaheim council. First, the appointments to regional boards and directors.
Most importantly, Jordan is off OCWD, and replaced by Councilman Vanderbilt, a guy who so far has gotten most of his info on Poseidon and Cadiz from THIS BLOG. Dodged a bullet.
Still, it’s irritating that David was kept strung along. Clerk Andal said tonight that there was some policy that it had to be a Councilmember OR a City Employee. She’d told me and David no such thing before when he was sending his e-mails to council etc.
Oh well, James will be good and Jordan’s gone. Faessel (in about the first thing he’s done so far that I disagreed with) tried to keep Jordan on, because he’s “got a good relationship with OCWD staff” and some other weak reasons.
James, in his usual tradition, vows to refuse all pay for his OCWD work, hoping to set a good example that pubic service should be done for free (which actually some folks can’t afford to do.) Jose half-jokingly asked him to instead accept the pay and give it to a scholarship for a high-school student to study water policy. Don’t know if anything will come of that.
The other interesting thing – Cunningham had fretted on the Klepto-Blog that the divvying up of boards and commissions may (or may not) be an exercise in revenge and retribution, and at some points it did seem a little that way, mostly at the expense of Lucille. She had had four posts, and lost them all. The one she really REALLY wanted to keep was OC Sanitation District. She was on track to be the chair of that board, and claimed that it was important for Anaheim to have someone with the seniority and leadership there, and she made a long list of things she wanted to accomplish on that board. I was practically thinking that *I* would have voted to keep her there.
But Denise INSISTED that SHE wanted that board, and would not be denied, and had the votes of Tom, James and Jose. I asked someone close to her why she was so insistent; that person whispered back to me that “all the shit Lucille just listed, if she was ever really gonna do it she would have already done it by now. We need new people, new ideas.”
Here’s the list:
Fire Training JPA – was Kring with Vanderbilt alternate; is now MORENO with Vanderbilt alternate.
4 Corners Transp. Coalition – was Jordan, is now KRIS MURRAY
OC HAZMAT Emergency Response Authority – was Kring, is now BARNES
MWD – was and is still FAESSEL.
OC Sanitation – was Kring with Vanderbilt alternate, is now BARNES w/ Kring alternate
OCWD – was Brandman (who showed up hoping to stay on), is now VANDERBILT!
Santa Ana River Flood Protection – was vacant (previously Jordan) is now MORENO. Alternate was and remains Rudy Emami.
SCAG – was and remains KRIS MURRAY; alternate was Jordan and is now Kring.
Transportation Corridor Agency – was Kring, is now MORENO. Alternate was Vanderbilt, is now Kring.
Lucille had a sort of refrain, each time a seat got named off – “That group meets in the DAY a lot” – hoping to scare folks off I think, but not succeeding. She will have a lot of free time in the days now.
And my sad Elton John knockoff about Jordan came true:
“Don’t let the sun go down on me!
Jose Moreno’s face is what I see in District 3.
Just allow me four more years, on the OCWD (nanananana, nanananana)
Cuz losing both those seats is like the sun going down on me!”
“Still, it’s irritating that David was kept strung along.”
Correction, Vern: I wasn’t strung along and have never spoken to the City Clerk about anything. We’ve never met. I just let them know I would do it if they felt like it.
However, before Brandman the job was held by Sidhu who wasn’t on the Council nor was he a City employee. So that statement about “policy” is nonsense, and if she said it, doesn’t reflect very well on the City Clerk or whoever got her to say it.
What I did do last night was inform the council of resolution 88-124, a nasty little hold-over from the 1980s that has been abused by city staff by approving vast change orders on construction projects without having to tell anybody.
The Convention Center Changer Order #1 was for $7,000,000; Change Order #2 (the CATER Bond Delay) was for $6.1MM. Tait knew nothing about them which at the time amazed me. Then I finally was told about this resolution.
Well, they all know about it now and whether they choose to do something about it is their call.
Jose agendized that, the 88-124.
So also, we had several dozen folks there from the newly, loosely formed coalition which me and Renee Balenti have taken to calling the “People’s Homeless Task Force,” all with the same basic three demands: Repeal the anti-camping ordinance, Re-open all park restrooms 24-7, Open safe zones in each Council District for camping. I also asked the Mayor to call a special meeting for this issue, but he didn’t.
Jose agendized for Jan. 24: Review camping ordinance; has it worked? Repeal it or not? Who exactly are the homeless? How the hell do they pay their tickets, what happens when they don’t, and what is the cost to taxpayers of enforcement? Study the idea of safe zones, and keeping the bathrooms open. ALSO – update on why are STR regulations not being enforced, and review a 1988 change order resolution that Zenger had come to talk about, which gives Public Works Director huge spending authority.
Denise agendized for Jan. 24: Update on parks situation in her district; update on Beach Blvd Specific Plan.
Vanderbilt agendized: Update on Angels negotiations, and post-six-district neighborhood councils.
*Proud of you Chairman Vern….stay on course. Great job.
Mike Robbins pointed out what some of us have been saying for a long time: the homeless are currently camping along the CalTRANS ROW – up against the chain link fence that cordons off the Karcher Way site.
For crissakes just open the damn gate and make it a “safe zone.”
I presume that the city is concern may be about legal liability, if they voluntarily allow people onto the site as opposed to simply using their prosecutorial discretion not to even get them if they are next to the site, for tort damages.
I know that some of my friends will not like to hear me say this, but this is a legitimate concern. The city would not want to put itself on the line to be sued for negligence or worse if someone were injured on the Karcher site, or suffered from hypothermia, or was not able to get medical or police aid in a timely manner, or were raped or molested, etc. If this is what is holding them back, then their position makes some sense.
The problem is that that “sensible” position operates in the service of arrant nonsense: the notion that people should be allowed to live on the street, without the use of restroom facilities, and be much more likely to suffer and die. There could be legal fixes to this, including some notice and waiver provisions that would protect the city from liability for ordinary negligence. Addressing this legal problem is not the “safe “path for the city, but it is the *righteous* path.
I have at least the early glimmerings of an idea that would be even better than that, although it would require legislation.
Let’s face it, Anaheim, and Santa Anna, are paying to solve a problem for which the responsibility should really fall at higher levels: county, state, and even federal. Those cities are doing the rest of the population a big favor, out of their respect – goosed along by citizen-activists – for human life and dignity.
If concern over liability is the problem, then Anaheim and Santa Ana should not have to be the ones to worry about it. Instead the rest of the county, the rest of the state, and the rest of the nation should indemnify those cities against ordinary, and perhaps even gross, negligence! After all, they are receiving a substantial benefit – if you are a moral human being, that is – by being able to shunt their responsibility to care for the downtrodden that they export onto cities who and willing to take a deep breath and try to solve the problem.
I could imagine a system where a community could be exempted from having to participate in indemnification of those cities housing the homeless by agreeing to take certain voluntary measures of their own – hosting homeless shelters themselves, or erecting a certain percentage of actual, seriously, low-cost housing – in which they shoulder their own fair share of the burden.
Those cities that don’t do so should basically understand that they are trusting the city of Anaheim, for example, to deal with this problem as well as it can, on sites such as the Karcher property – and that if Anaheim doesn’t do the job well enough the legal responsibility will fall on the “sideline-sitters” rather than on the communities that did do their best to help.
I’m literally thinking this through as I dictate it into my phone, so any feedback from others here – or, I suppose, elsewhere – would be very welcome. It wouldn’t surprise me if I could be talked out of some or all of this. But, at first blush, this seems to have the characteristics, regarding burden-sharing, that I would expect to see in an effective policy solution.