The Great Donald Trump Interview

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Trump as found in a devout woman’s tub of margarine

Where is “60 minutes” when we really need them?  Who might be the right folks to do a really incisive Donald Trump interview?  We keep trying to think on it and have come to the conclusion that undoubtedly no one has the juevos to do the job.  Since MSNBC recently fired Ed Schultz….the least we can do is use one his great phrases:  “So let’s get started!”

Good morning Mr. Trump, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.  We know how busy you are working on your plans for building “the Great Immigrant Wall” along our southern border, along with planning use our military to gather up the 11 to 30 million undocumented aliens around this country.  First question:  How many Walmarts, 99 cents Stores, Targets, Costco and McDonalds will go out of business after you get these folks deported? How are you going to handle the drop in Real Estate values for Rental Property and Foreclosed Residential property.  Mr. Trump, one thing for sure is you know your Real Estate issues.

Thank you Mr. Trump for those Cutting Edge solutions and comments.  OK, on to the next issue.  What about the Homeless Issue in the United States?  What is your solution to the Homeless Issue, when more than 2/3rds of them are either hooked on prescription or illegal drugs or are involved in selling those products.  Do you think all politicians should be drug tested?  How about for firearms?  How about for Beauty Pagents contestants?  Do you think that Tom Brady was lucky when the judge threw out the Deflategate Goodell ruling?

Excellent response sir.  We knew you would have an obvious answer to that one.  Meanwhile, how do you stand on Big Pharma and their ability to advertise on television and push unproven drugs through the FDA, the NIH and of course the AMA?  To follow up on that, what about the kickbacks doctors get for each prescription they write?  Now we don’t want you to think we are asking a mean or unfair question Mr. Trump – but:  Do you take any prescription drugs.  Have you ever done any cocaine?  Have you always had a weight problem?

Of course, we should have thought of that.  Let’s shift over to the issue of Big Agra, who are selling all our Alfalfa to China and uses more water for that than almonds or other cash crops?  The GMO’s made in America are having a tough time selling them across the Globe.  In Art of the Deal, you use the term “Leverage”…..so does that mean that in every trade agreement the United States should demand they take our GMO Corn, Soy, Wheat and Rice or else?  Monsanto is still finalizing their GMO Rice and Wheat, Oats and Rye…..but should those be required trade items as well.

We should have known that you fully support American Business.  Obviously that includes our Military Industrial Complex.  Should we kick out all the foreign makers of Automobiles and Electronics and make those items here by American companies instead?  How about making all American Companies keep all their profits from Global Sales in US Banks?  How about our Trade and National Debt…do you support the current Fed injection of $25 billion dollars a month?

We should have known you would have to think on that one!   Your desire to Make America Great Again, has us a bit confused.  Could you bring up the last time when America was great?  Who is your favorite past President?  Who is your favorite First Lady?  Have you ever dated a black or hispanic woman?  Sorry, for the last question – how about do you speak Russian or any other foreign language?

Yes, we consider conversational Russian as at least  – an attempt. How many French Wines can you name?  OK, OK, Mr. Trump that question was certainly “out of bounds” and we apologize.  Let’s get down to it:  You have had four personal military deferments.  Can you tell us what you got those deferments for?  Did you ever secretly want to go into the Armed Forces or date a member of the Armed Forces?

Great answer Mr. Trump.  As a Billionaire, how did it feel to be backed down by that Scotish Farmer that held up your Golf Course?  How long did that negotiation take?  Why did you just offer him double what you normally would – to get him out of your face?  How often do you play golf, who were the members of your four and what did you shoot?  Have you ever played golf with anyone that works for you?  What about George and Laura Bush?  Ever play golf with them?  How about George the Elder?

That’s great, OK now on to the tougher questions:  First of all, in a perfect world – Being born in this country seems to be “not enough” for your plan for America.  How many parents need to be American Citizens for the baby to be determined American.  What if the Father is American, but the mother is undocumented?  What if the Father is undocumented and the mother is a US Citizen?  What if the Father is American and dies in transit with a woman that undocumented and she dies in childbirth?  NO Planned Parenthood funding?  Are you Catholic? Pope Frank seems to think it is OK sometimes.  Just wondering!

We want to treat you fairly and with respect – with no sabotage or stupid questions, so take that into consideration:  So, do you have an enemies list?  Do you have a list of countries in mind you plan on bombing within 60 days of taking office.  What happens when immigrants blow holes in your southern wall?  Should we build another wall on the northern border?  Should we restrict the number of foreign students that can come to this country?  Will you support an immediate ban on H1-B Visas?  When do you plan of doing away with Social Security and Medicare?  In your first term or the 2nd?  When do you plan to fire all women from their jobs and replace them with men?  How many women should every man have – should they all be documented?  You do support Same Sex Marriage Mr. Trump?

Thanks so much for your time Mr. Trump and for your very forthcoming answers to our very tough questions.  We tried our best to be fair and balanced and not mean spirited.  We also tried our best to understand where you are coming from and what will Make America Great Again.  We can tell that as the election cycle moves forward, we can look back to the days of your first interview on Fox News with Megyn Kelly and wax poetic….when you were challenged and fought back so brilliantly.  Don’t you miss being on the Apprentice Mr. Trump?  Why haven’t you been on Dancing With the Stars?  What do you really think of Bill O’Reilly?  Just wondering?