Romney tells U.S. he will want an “open relationship”

.

.

.

Romney talking to Gingrich

"You want to pay me a million dollars to sleep with my wife? Are you nuts? I want at least TEN million dollars, and YOU have to cover her Tiffany's bill for the year!"

Republican Mitt Romney informed the United States today that, if he swears an oath of fidelity to it a year from now, he will still want it to be an “open relationship” when it comes to basic needs like the primal urge to seek tax shelters.

“I’m a businessman, I have needs,” Romney explained.  “No one country’s banking system can be expected to satisfy me completely.  That’s old-fashioned thinking.”

Romney, it has been revealed, has had a long-time financial relationship with the Cayman Islands.  He has claimed that he has no control over where he puts his money.  “Sometimes I just can’t help myself,” he admitted.  He said that his extra-national affairs amount to “not very much,” only an amount equivalent to roughly ten times that of the average American every year.

Friends have presumed that he would discreetly end this relationship as he moved towards seeking a formal commitment to the U.S. Presidency.  “People start to notice after a while,” commented one friend.  “You can see it in how his eyes get wide when he talks about foreign interest.”  He surprised them today, however, by pledging that he would continue to mess around with the Caymans and other foreign tax shelters any time that he wanted.

“It’s my prerogative as an adult man, for Pete’s sake!” he explained.  “I’m paying only a 15% effective tax rate!  Dear Lord, that’s so good!  Mammon!  Oh, Mammon!”

 

[Note for the dim: yes, this is satirical, thanks!]

About Greg Diamond

Somewhat verbose attorney, semi-disabled and semi-retired, residing in northwest Brea. Occasionally ran for office against jerks who otherwise would have gonr unopposed. Got 45% of the vote against Bob Huff for State Senate in 2012; Josh Newman then won the seat in 2016. In 2014 became the first attorney to challenge OCDA Tony Rackauckas since 2002; Todd Spitzer then won that seat in 2018. Every time he's run against some rotten incumbent, the *next* person to challenge them wins! He's OK with that. Corrupt party hacks hate him. He's OK with that too. He does advise some local campaigns informally and (so far) without compensation. (If that last bit changes, he will declare the interest.) His daughter is a professional campaign treasurer. He doesn't usually know whom she and her firm represent. Whether they do so never influences his endorsements or coverage. (He does have his own strong opinions.) But when he does check campaign finance forms, he is often happily surprised to learn that good candidates he respects often DO hire her firm. (Maybe bad ones are scared off by his relationship with her, but they needn't be.)