DARK SHADOWS = BOO!
HAPPY FEET 2 = FIRED!!!
THE MUPPETS = F!!! – (Because Muppets don’t have legs you fuck.)
PROMETHEUS = … … … Meh. Listen, at some point JJ Abrams told all his writers that leaving things “a mystery” and leaving the audience wondering what happened even after the credits roll is “COOL”… but where I come from this is called writer rape.
Don’t do it and I won’t have to fire you. #FIRED!
SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN = The farthest you will ever see Snow White taken. (And contains at least 1 trebuchet firing upon a midget-led-castle siege more than you’d ever thought Snow White had in it). And that’s because its *Snow of Arc*. –> B+!
MIRROR MIRROR = a LIDDLE funny… a LIDDLE. But you better be 9. And it better be free!
MEN IN BLACK 3 = Meh. – In fact, anything that hinges on a lead character being depressed for half-a-film = Meh or below.
THE LORAX = HIRED. 🙂 On a scale of 1-100, it will land exactly 12 points below wherever WALL-E landed for you.
THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL = OLD PEOPLE TALKING VERY VERY SLOWLY! HOW COULD YOU GO WRONG!!?? = F!!!
BERNIE = IF YOU’RE STILL WATCHING JACK BLACK MOVIES… *YOU* FAIL! NOT THE MOVIE! – YOU!
BATTLESHIP = Exactly 2X as good as you think its going to be. So the ticket would have to be half price for it to be worth it.
THE AVENGERS = WORTH IT JUST FOR THE HULK/LOKI RAGDOLL SCENE. (You’ll see what I mean. – You will cheer. – Everyone does. – Its unavoidable.)
THE HUNGER GAMES = JUST SEND ME YOUR MONEY AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO SEE THOUSANDS OF RICH PEOPLE CHEERING AND ENCOURAGING HUNGRY CHILDREN TO KILL EACH OTHER. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE WORST AND LEAST RELATABLE WORLDS IN THE HISTORY OF WASTED FILM, AND MOREOVER, ONE THAT RELIES COMPLETELY ON YOU’RE HAVING NO SENSORY CONNECTION TO VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND IN ORDER FOR YOU TO BE BROKEN ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT. SO… HERE’S TO THE BIGGEST, FOULEST, MOST PERVERSE F- I’VE EVER GIVEN TO A FILM. They earned it.
– The following movies have stopped being “alone time” movies where Grandma drops you off at the building with stripes on it, and have started being plastic DVD movies for at home, which is ok because there are juice boxes at home. –
(Even if you have a big computer like Doug Johnson, you should NOT steal at home DVD movies, like Doug Johnson. <– who steals DVD movies. If you do then you probably don’t even understand what at home movie time is all about, and don’t deserve juice boxes anyway.)
THE RUM DIARY = AWESOME
UNDERWORLD 4 = BOO!
ANONYMOUS (the “what if Shakespeare was a faker” movie) = AMAZING
TWILIGHT BRAIN-ASPHYXIATING PART WHATEVER (didn’t watch it but, gonna review it) = BOO!
HUGO = COULDN’T EVEN STAY AWAKE
EXTERMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE = SKIP IT & READ THE BOOKS – (you need the books to understand the value of the film anyway)
DRAGON TATTOO = GREAT
DARKEST HOUR = HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP IN THIS THEATER?
JACK & JILL = CRIME AGAINST FILM
TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY = MEH, RESPECT, BUT, MEH
INSIDE JOB (documentary) = AWESOME
aaaaAAANND… LETS JUST PREEMPTIVELY BOO GHOST RIDER 2 RIGHT NOW FOR SAFETY…
BOOOOOO!
NEXT THING OF GREATNESS HEADING YOUR WAY:
Prepare to cheer & cry.
*
“Go forth and witness unbounded works… to see your own lives in them.
And let them bring you together… in their victories and woes.
For we’ve just one fleeting purpose… in the maelstrom together.
And it is this. This; Our calling, Our reason, Our bliss. Only this:
To feel the throes.”
- Synthian Sharp is the singer for the human rights rock band: Exit Ophelia, a children’s author, and member of Occupy Orange County. His latest film is: How I Became An Elephant, and his one-word film reviews appear on the Orange Juice Blog on a regular basis. If you DO take issue with any of them, challenge him in the comments section and he will respond with more than one word. Tweet @synthian.
Welcome to the blog! I agree with most of this. Especially Girl with the Dragon Tattoo being GREAT.
Here’s the opening sequence (Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song performed by Karen O with Nine Inch Nails)
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: would’ve been greater without so much gratuitous violence.
The Hunger Games: Bravo to your review. That people found that repugnant movie watchable scares the shit out of me.
Tinker Tailor Solider Spy: Enjoyed that one; most of LeCarre’s stuff is pretty good.
Fun post! Looking forward to seeing more.
Thanks!
I’ll answer the “pretty good” statement with something William Goldman said: “No producer is ever going to come up to you and ask you to do ‘pretty good’. Nobody is ever going to ask you to write better than what’s on the screen. That is never going to be the question. The question is, was, and will always be: Can YOU WRITE… so damned INCREDIBLY WELL… that after 200 assholes devote 2 years of their lives to doing nothing but ruining your work… it will STILL be watchable?” — Now, we’re looking at a person who is ARMED TO THE TEETH with people SO GREAT… that if they did nothing other than sit down on a stool and read a Dr. Seuse book aloud to us, we would all sit en-wrapped. — And all he has to do is do BETTER IN EXECUTION… than having Garry teach us how to fold his favorite paper airplane. — Yet I and several other people fell asleep twice. — Why? Pacing and source material. — He may have done the GREATEST JOB IMAGINABLE of executing the source material faithfully and it wouldn’t matter… because 90% of us are here to find out if we can be entertained. And only 10% of us are here to find out if he can accurately replicate the canon. So, to the tried and true, Gods, Juggernauts, and better-men-than-I, who did the daunting and harrowing work of so ACCURATELY replicating an un-entertaining thing!!! …
*RESPECT* … but… … Meh.
I will love to read a lot more of your writing, Synthian. Very entertaining indeed! I agree completely: the pace was not riveting, though I did manage to stay awake…
DARK SHADOWS: NOT a comedy. Repeat: NOT a comedy. Understand that and it’s OK. Rent.
HAPPY FEET 2: Will watch with young children because I must.
MUPPET MOVIE: Muppets do so have feet. Look at the picture! They just generally hide them. Didn’t see movie, though.
PROMETHEUS: Is this actually a movie? By the way, the last season of LOST made perfect sense. What you have to understand is that the “alternative” world was written by Hurley, who (despite being omnipotent within his realm) was an abominably hack writer.
SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN: Is this that pre-avengers Thor movie? Didn’t see it.
MIRROR MIRROR OR SNOW WHITE, WHICH IS IT?: Please let Audrey Hepburn rest in peace. Shudder. Nice dwarves, though. All named “Toulouse”? Didn’t see it.
MIB3: I refuse to believe your bad review of this. I’ll let you know what I think when it hits Redbox.
LORAX: What if I gave WALL-E a 12? OK, I didn’t. Still, why is he selling SUVs or whatever?
MARIGOLD HOTEL: Bugger off, you teenager, look at that cast! I’ll rent it … someday.
BERNIE: I’m just glad that they finally arrested Jack Black. Grand larceny, devoured scenery?
BATTLESHIP: 2 x 0 = 0.
AVENGERS: Really, really enjoyed it. Really, really not going to watch the 37 prequel movies that would help me appreciate it more. That’s my final offer.
DRAGON TATTOO: Didn’t see it. Kids were disappointed. Is this another remake of Nikita? (The good one, from France)?
DARKEST HOUR: You made up a movie poster to test us, right?
JACK AND JILL: Too bad you wasted that Jack Black line on Jack Black.
TTSS: Oh, it was better than that. You just need to be more decrepit to appreciate it. Benedict Cumberbatch has to make more movies, or at least more movie posters. I just like saying that name, over and over.
HUNGER GAMES: My 13-year old loved it. She keeps casting people for roles in the sequels. I don’t think you can stop this.
BEASTS OF S. WILD: I’ve heard that this is awesome.
UNNAMED POWERS BOOTH GOTH FILM: Looks intriguing!
Welcome to the jungle, Synthian! This is gonna be fun. I think Thursdays or Fridays will be better, though.
Okayyyy…
No dude. –
1) Dark Shadows (WHICH WAS A BBC TV SHOW) was one of the funniest things ever. — THIS, however, was not. And so therefore, is not the same. In exactly the same way that: Ichabod Crane (Sleepy Hollow) was described as one of the homiest men ever to walk the earth, i.e. NOT Jonny Depp, and there IS NO JABBERWOCKY IN ALICE IN WONDERLAND. It is a poem read by a tertiary character in a DIFFERENT BOOK… in which a BOY cuts off it’s head… and has absolutely NO CONCERN for what happened to the young Mad Hatter’s home village, as it relates to the plot! — E.G. DEAR MR. BURTON… IF YOU WANT TO TELL THE NIGHT AND DRAGON STORY… TELL THE NIGHT AND DRAGON STORY. BUT PLEASE DO NOT NAME YOUR NIGHT AND DRAGON STORY “WINNIE THE POOH”! AND BY ALL MEANS FEEL FREE TO STOP ERASING CLASSIC LITERATURE. Thanks!
HAPPY FEET 2: Ok.
MUPPET MOVIE: <– This is not CALLED "The Muppet Movie". The Muppet Movie, was a great movie… that filled a lot of children's childhoods with childishness… and had NO MUPPET LEGS. – The moment you start the computer generation, you have LEFT the world of Muppets and Models. — Which are the things that made the Star Wars, E.T., and Labyrinth eras great. And that's all we want back. – People may not be able to articulate it, but they miss The Dark Crystal for a reason. And that reason is Movie Magic. And movie magic, while it has several incalculable sources, has only one pure source that is accepted religiously in more places the world over than American Express… and that source… is Muppets & Models. Henson knew it. Lucas knew it. Speilberg knew it. And now a new generation of people who couldn't do what they did to save their lives are just looking at a pile of money as a replacement for genius and subsequently spitting on their as-yet-only partially filled graves.
PROMETHEUS: Yes. Its the prequel to ALIEN. – And NO. None of LOST makes any sense once the showrunner has declared war on his relationship with the audience. – Its one thing to lag on your reveals… but to abuse your spouse in such a way, that you NEVER EVEN FEEL YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO EVER GIVE ANYTHING AT ANY POINT, is actually just public disrespect for the give-take relationship that is the audience-writer relationship. – If I'm on season 3… and you haven't answered any of my VERY FIRST 23 QUESTIONS from the top of season ONE.. YOU have a problem. Not me. And there were people who kept lists. People who had faith in you. People who BELIEVED you when you said how smart you were and how much you were promising them. People who INVESTED in you. — And when THOSE PEOPLE (read as: the OTHER HALF of the relationship you signed up for) are enraged at you on a global scale… let me tell you sumthin' … its not because "THEY'RE wrong". – Its because you lied.
MIB3: Greg, this is coming from a sci-fi comedy writer with a love for Douglas Adams, and 2 MIB DVDs at home, and I'm telling you… MIB3 is to MIB1, very nearly, what Indiana Jones 4, is to Indiana Jones.
MARIGOLD HOTEL: As someone who loved Dame Judy Dench with a passion and bought Still Crazy on VHS when nobody know who Bill Nighey was… sorry sport. They could do Lear. They could do Brave New World… but this? No. Waste of stars.
AVENGERS: You don't need prequels. – But you SHOULD watch Iron Man. The writer who wrote it is as close to my twin as you'll see in the studio system, and he done a gud job.
DRAGON TATTOO: No. A) Dragon Tattoo is books. Its a FILM. So they can be disappointed if they were expecting a MOVIE. People who say it had too much sex & violence didn't read the books and that's fine. but realize that half of it was cut and there was not a single female character that the lead didn't have sex with so you WERE given a break. So give it a break.
HUNGER GAMES: "My 13-year old loved it."
Your 13 year old has never seen a child bludgeoned. Be glad she thinks its enjoyable. Your life would be very different if your family didn't think of this as enjoyable entertainment. – I stand by my thesis. I grew up in incredible violence and poverty. And I maintain that 1) to think its all in good fun you must have no synaptic relationship to what's in front of you. And 2) it is the least believable world ever, wherein out most BASIC HUMAN INSTINCT: That of protecting our children simply because they look like us, is completely gone simply because its the endorsed sport. – Therefore the story is universally unrelatable, and once it becomes relatable… it will say far more about the audience than the film.
🙂 Glad to be here.
Nay, Dark Shadows was a U.S. soap opera. My mother used to watch it when I was a kid. This movie was actually largely in keeping with its spirit, as I recall it, but with a little comedy that I suppose was intended to create its misleading commercials. Bait and switch. As for Jabberwocky — what’s wrong with pastiche? Yes, people may not know that there are two separate Alice novels (and other essential Dodgsonalia like “Hunting of the Snark,” but so what? Hook people on something and reel them in; let them see a huge-headed Helena then hook them on the hard (prose) stuff.
Muppet Movie: OK, well-written. I demur.
Prometheus: Virtually all of LOST makes sense — and it’s interesting and profound. How would the creators of the universe create a “machine” to run the world that could, with minimal intrusiveness into most people’s lives, maintain itself indefinitely? What about the lives of those onto whom such a machine must intrude? One of its points is that what you think are mysteries that matter are not necessarily mysteries that really matter. When you have a month off I will explain it to you at painful length. I do mean painful.
MIB3 — that is one saddening analogy you have there. I’m crestfallen-ish.
Marigold Hotel — no, no, make it not true!
Avengers — Iron Man was my least favorite comic book character growing up. What a jerk. But I admit that RDJr was excellent in the role, so eventually I will snag it off of cable.
Dragon Tattoo — I’m not convinced.
Hunger Games — my 13 year old is not taking it at face value. She gets the dystopian science-fiction aspect of it. She’s not rooting for blood, she’s rooting for people to survive. She’s read the books. I have not; I don’t know whether you have. I suspect, though, that as in many cases they allow one to appreciate the story for more than its surface gore. My sense from her discussion is that it’s more like a cross between Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” and the Iraq War’s “poverty draft” — and she gets it. I’m not worried (yet.)